Mask
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
*
I know that I shouldn't be associating an update here with the end of AS trial today but I couldn't escape from that fact, really. Ohhho so yes, alhamdulillah He eases every thing for me during the exam week now that I can heave a sigh of relief...temporarily..only.
The countdown to the real AS on my phone is a perfect way to remind myself that whatever it is, the clock will not stop ticking and will probably just leave me if I were to be amazed with the momentary pleasure it brings.
So here goes the usual update once I can find some time to be in front of the screen, typing the words of my mind.
*
A mask which I put on now shall not be the truth for the people's eyes. But somehow, I am compelled to remain veiled, beneath the most beautiful mask I could ever find so that I will, be the best person I can ever be. So that I shall be the person who Allah wants me to be.
It's inevitable to look at the past that it was indeed quite a nightmare for me. But being the helpless me, I am not even strong to cast away the negativity kept inside. I truly realise of the countless underlying reasons which come in package with my journey of life so far, but I surely am the one to blame for keep on allowing myself to be thrown into the pit of thorns, again and again.
And it is all because of false attachment that I do not know how to rid. At times, I just wish to dispose the paintings that have been smudged with dots of grey because it's simply too unbearable for me to endure. I don't know how the demons inside keep on winning over me while I am perfectly aware of the poisons that they bring along. Silly, I know it's just too silly of me.
Fake it till you make it, people say.
I have gone through the ups and downs of life that I can already identify the clues of them returning but little did I know that my foes are planning something a lot bigger than my shields are.
Sympathy? Loss?
People wouldn't even dare to come near me if they taste the bitterness I conceal. The 'aib Allah has kept, locked carefully behind this mask I put on. I have no intention on fooling people - NEVER! I just need to seek for the resolutions to my problems, and wearing a mask is one of them.
An attempt to be better, for the sake of myself, for the sake of my ending, and ultimately, for the sake of pleasing Him.
I keep on telling myself that I don't deserve all the kind treats I have been receiving for I know, He knows best that I have done so many wrongdoings that don't correlate with the kindness at all.
But come to think of it, a senior once told a story of a sinner who had done something bad towards a dead body of a woman. When he met Rasulullah SAW, confessing his sins, Rasulullah whom we know as the most extraordinary man living on Earth who wouldn't avenge for bad things that his enemies did to him, turned his face away from that man and asked him to go away.
Feeling hopeless, the sinner went to a place where he begged to Allah, telling Allah that if he was forgiven, let him know of the forgiveness through any signs possible or he would be redha with any punishments that Allah provided for the wrongs that he did.
After waiting for quite some time, there came a messenger of Rasulullah telling the sinner that Rasulullah said, Allah forgave him.
He is ar-Rahman, He is ar-Rahim.
The only sin that He wouldn't consider is syirik; claiming that there are indeed other gods besides Him. Na'uzubillahiminzalik.
But I must take His limitless mercy seriously and assuring myself that He'll surely forgive and keep on comitting sins, one after another, is not acceptable, AT ALL.
I know that it's my mistake of not praying hard enough for Him to make me escape this hitch. I must haven't been a good person that He tests my faith again.
He has given chances, too many of them that I often ignore and move on without even bothering to look back.
And now, I pray, that He will protect me from my own evilness and never to leave me so that I can always cling on to Him. None other but Him.
*
I know that I shouldn't be associating an update here with the end of AS trial today but I couldn't escape from that fact, really. Ohhho so yes, alhamdulillah He eases every thing for me during the exam week now that I can heave a sigh of relief...temporarily..only.
The countdown to the real AS on my phone is a perfect way to remind myself that whatever it is, the clock will not stop ticking and will probably just leave me if I were to be amazed with the momentary pleasure it brings.
So here goes the usual update once I can find some time to be in front of the screen, typing the words of my mind.
*
A mask which I put on now shall not be the truth for the people's eyes. But somehow, I am compelled to remain veiled, beneath the most beautiful mask I could ever find so that I will, be the best person I can ever be. So that I shall be the person who Allah wants me to be.
It's inevitable to look at the past that it was indeed quite a nightmare for me. But being the helpless me, I am not even strong to cast away the negativity kept inside. I truly realise of the countless underlying reasons which come in package with my journey of life so far, but I surely am the one to blame for keep on allowing myself to be thrown into the pit of thorns, again and again.
And it is all because of false attachment that I do not know how to rid. At times, I just wish to dispose the paintings that have been smudged with dots of grey because it's simply too unbearable for me to endure. I don't know how the demons inside keep on winning over me while I am perfectly aware of the poisons that they bring along. Silly, I know it's just too silly of me.
Fake it till you make it, people say.
I have gone through the ups and downs of life that I can already identify the clues of them returning but little did I know that my foes are planning something a lot bigger than my shields are.
Sympathy? Loss?
People wouldn't even dare to come near me if they taste the bitterness I conceal. The 'aib Allah has kept, locked carefully behind this mask I put on. I have no intention on fooling people - NEVER! I just need to seek for the resolutions to my problems, and wearing a mask is one of them.
An attempt to be better, for the sake of myself, for the sake of my ending, and ultimately, for the sake of pleasing Him.
I keep on telling myself that I don't deserve all the kind treats I have been receiving for I know, He knows best that I have done so many wrongdoings that don't correlate with the kindness at all.
But come to think of it, a senior once told a story of a sinner who had done something bad towards a dead body of a woman. When he met Rasulullah SAW, confessing his sins, Rasulullah whom we know as the most extraordinary man living on Earth who wouldn't avenge for bad things that his enemies did to him, turned his face away from that man and asked him to go away.
Feeling hopeless, the sinner went to a place where he begged to Allah, telling Allah that if he was forgiven, let him know of the forgiveness through any signs possible or he would be redha with any punishments that Allah provided for the wrongs that he did.
After waiting for quite some time, there came a messenger of Rasulullah telling the sinner that Rasulullah said, Allah forgave him.
He is ar-Rahman, He is ar-Rahim.
The only sin that He wouldn't consider is syirik; claiming that there are indeed other gods besides Him. Na'uzubillahiminzalik.
But I must take His limitless mercy seriously and assuring myself that He'll surely forgive and keep on comitting sins, one after another, is not acceptable, AT ALL.
I know that it's my mistake of not praying hard enough for Him to make me escape this hitch. I must haven't been a good person that He tests my faith again.
He has given chances, too many of them that I often ignore and move on without even bothering to look back.
And now, I pray, that He will protect me from my own evilness and never to leave me so that I can always cling on to Him. None other but Him.
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