The Journey: 4 - Almost The End

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Today is already Sunday. We'll be having our final A2 paper tomorrow (English Language Paper 4) and soon to leave this lovely place, our beloved KMS family, the cats & forever beautiful sky of Seremban. How surreal. How fast the time flies that we have finally come to the end of two years holding the title of a KMS-ian. 

I cannot express how grateful I am for being able to live here. To learn the meaning of life with so many memories etched in my heart. So many names filling in the blank spaces within me that I don't want to erase by any means. Alhamdulillah that He causes this to happen. 

I remember the du'a that I made before receiving the offer from MARA to pursue pre-uni education here. I asked from Allah that 'if coming here would do me good, please make it easy for me'. Allah never disappoints His servants, true? Yes, my du'a has been answered and I'm totally sure of His decision of putting me here among the chosen people - only to grant me goodness.

Heartbreaks happened. Rainbows (literal & figurative) appeared. But every thing crossed my path merely to bring hikmah to make me aware of the countless blessings of life. Ageing is indeed fun! SERIOUSLY! Things start to make sense and we become more and more understanding of things that never in our life have ever been understood. (Maybe ni efek belajar Sociology jugak? Hehe)

Life's reality that I found here is too precious to be described. If  I can record every touch of heart that I feel, I would love to do that. Recording every step in life that causes me to stop and ponder upon the message(s) that Allah keeps for me to discover, so that later in life, I can always go down the memory lane and see how beautiful has been. Tak ke seronok buat macam tu.

It's nevertheless scary to think of the fact that I am now reaching the end of the years of playing around with life experiments. I've got more things to do from now onwards. So many to-do list boxes to be ticked.

• A daughter
• A sister
• A student 
• A worker in the capitalist world
• (In preparing to be) A wife 
• (In preparing to be) A mother
• A mere servant who has nothing to offer to her God

Scary, kan?

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When I sent few photos to ibu the other day, Ibu wrote: 

"em comelnya ank ibu masyaAllah dh besar pn"

I stopped for a while, reading that line. Over and over again. (Ofkos la bukan sebab the word comel tu haish) 

Yes, I am growing. But I didn't realise of how this growth has affected ibu so much into thinking that her daughter is now 'besar'. She must be feeling surreal too kan? How her small girl has grown into this young lady who will soon leave her home; (1) for the purpose of studies, (2) for the purpose of marriage. I can say that for her to let go of her only daughter must be a heart-wrenching decision to do. If I were her, I would feel the same too. 

But I never plan to make her feel distant from me. Na'uzubillahi min zalik. I wish to always be close to her, in times of hardship and happiness. 

A REMINDER FOR THE ADULT ME: DO NOT LEAVE YOUR PARENTS ALONE. TAKE THEM INTO YOUR LIFE ALWAYS. THEY ARE YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TOO!

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The thought of being married has also bugged our minds (AY's & mine haha). How could we possibly share EVERY THING with one man whom we barely know? How could we allow a stranger to sleep on our bed, to share the wardrobe and toilet, to see us looking like a mak lampir waking up from a deep sleep every morning, to listen to our whines, to stop us from talking, to correct us when we make mistakes, to make us feeling so in love? 

How could we do all those things? With a stranger? A man? Seriously? 

Although I always tell my girlfriends that I want to get married early (at the age of 23 sebab nak ikut macam umur ibu lahirkan aku), I certainly don't think that I am ready to commit a life & death with a man yet. Not now (yelah sekarang baru 19 ++), soon perhaps insyaAllah.

It's a life commitment that has no termination contract. I must be mentally, emotionally, physically, above all, spiritually prepared for that. I'd like to collect pebbles of life as many as possible so that I'm able to be a good wife to my husband, a great mother to my children. Like how a real woman of Islam should act. 

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I have goals to achieve. A life to fully enjoy. A death to meet. And I pray that my to-do list will be fulfilled in a way that Allah is pleased with. Yours too :)

Fatimah 214, Kolej MARA Seremban.